No one wants to think too deeply about the psychology that goes into the decision to engage in a one night stand, a sexual encounter with a stranger you have absolutely no intention of ever seeing again. Because a one night stand is the carnal equivalent of junk food, which everyone knows is tasty but can be hard on the arteries, is bad for the teeth and can make you run for the toilet in the middle of the night, not to mention doing nothing at all to satiate your need for true nourishment or culinary enrichment. More often the decision to indulge is simply a response to hunger, a moment of weakness, the yielding to a need to satisfy a biological urge over which you have little or no control. In the case of sex with strangers, ego is thrown into the equation, making it an even harder temptation from which to turn away.
The advantages of the one night stand are few, but enough to make it a popular social sport older than the invention of the beer tap. Mainly, commitment isn’t part of the conversation, which is just as much a rationale as it is an advantage. More simply put, the drunker you are, the better the other person looks, the more muted your moral compass, the less you care about the consequences and the easier it is to find someone in a similar state of emotional vulnerability. The relationship between the one night stand and alcohol is irrefutable, since other liaisons, such as sex between co-workers and country club members and others who sing in the church choir with you falls more into the category of affairs, a different chapter altogether in the catalog of sexual side roads that can alter the course of a life. The main advantage of the one night stand is proximity, the seizing of an opportunity to fill a need.
The number of true one night stands that occur each year in bars and at parties around the world, unions having something to do with prior or impending relationships can be counted on all the hands present in a typical jury box. The rest, call them what you will, are one-nighters, the drive-through window of sexual fulfillment.
Those who engage in one night stands usually have one thing on common besides alcohol: there is a hole in their life. They are alone, probably lonely. Or they are unhappy in their primary relationship. They are not at ease with themselves or their lives and seek a way to validate their sexual attractiveness and prowess. And if this isn’t the case, if they are in a supposedly happy intimate relationship, then the one night stand comes from a different gap altogether, a gaping hole in their character. In either case, it’s simply a way to cover two bases made urgent in the complex matrix of the human emotional state: the need to feel okay about yourself, and the need for sexual release.
The disadvantages of the one night stand are far easier to call out. The act itself is compromised in three ways: 1) the lack of familiarity and preference that can make sex with a familiar partner more enjoyable and meaningful, 2) the lack of emotional substance that truly validates a connection and a sense of being cared for, 3) and a little envelope containing the buzz kill of casual sex, the condom. All three can turn what seemed at one point to be a great idea into an embarrassing midnight mistake. Because without the comfort of knowing you are with an understanding lover who knows what you like and need, and often with too much alcohol coursing through your system, the mind may be willing while the flesh is weak enough to take a nap. Or at least, one comes, the other doesn’t. And while condoms indeed have a viable place in the world, cheap hotel rooms rented to two drunks using fake names never was at the top of the list of primary applications of those who invented it.
The biggest downside of the one night stand is the possible emotional residue. For some, guilt comes calling the next day, if not the actual person to whom you made the mistake of giving your business card. But no matter what happens, the one night stand changes nothing at all in the life of the person who goes there. Because just like junk food, emptiness is right around the corner, and without any real nourishment on the menu, the best you’ll get is heartburn and the need to do it all over again.
