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Decreased Sex Drive and Libido Questions and Answers

Libido  Advice

Question: My wife has a decreased sex drive and libido now. It started before we got married. We had awesome sex. Then before we got married we said that we would hold off till the wedding which was several months from that time. Now its been years later and trying to have sex is like trying to pull teeth. She may want to have sex once every two months. What can I do to get my wife's sex drive back. It is killing me because my sex drive does not stop.

I will try to help. The first question is what types of medication is she on? This includes a birth control pill and any drugs for anxiety/depression.


Question: Birth control is ortho evra patches. She is taking nothing else. Please help.

The first thing I would recommend is that you speak with her doctor about experimenting with a different form of birth control.

Ortho Evra is a contraceptive skin patch. It contains estrogen and progestin, the same hormones found in many birth control pills. Fertility depends on regular fluctuations in the levels of these hormones. Contraceptives such as Ortho Evra reduce fertility by eliminating the fluctuations. Once applied to the skin, the Ortho Evra patch releases a steady supply of estrogen and progestin through the skin and into the bloodstream.

Changes to a woman's hormonal balance will often effect her libido. In most cases though, there are alternatives that will be just as effective as birth control, yet not mess with her libido (or at least not as much).

Her doctor deals with these questions every day and it's nothing your wife should feel embarrassed about. If possible, you should see her doctor with her and ask a lot of questions. If your doctor does not consider a problem with your wife's libido to be a serious issue, you should get a second opinion.

After experimenting with different medicines, it may turn out that the problem isn't physical at all. If this turns out to be the case, we can cross that bridge when we come to it. For now though, let's look at what to do if a new birth control "fixes" the problem.

You may think that things will all of a sudden revert back to your first year together. Unfortunately, at this point, fixing her hormone levels isn't even half the challenge.

First, it's critical that you understand that there's an absolute difference between the way men and women approach and view sex. There have been several decades recently where we've been taught that it was wrong to view the sexes differently. The truth is that we are not the same, and if you expect your wife to relate to sex the same as you, it will be very difficult road back to sexual bliss.

For example, a man could be impotent for years and argue with his wife every day over the issue. However, if he makes a change that fixes the physical problem, he'd likely be ready to jump back in bed, full speed ahead as if nothing ever happened. With men, if the physical is working, the rest just follows. Women on the other hand need the rest to work first before the physical follows.

It doesn't matter if you've been the flawless and supportive husband, a self centered and condescending jerk, or somewhere in between, there will now be lots of issues to deal with before you two can find what you had before.

It's almost certain that your wife has felt like she's been under pressure for a long time. Even if you never actually tried to put pressure on her, she would feel the pressure nonetheless. She will almost certainly be used to feeling quite a bit of guilt because of the knowledge of how this has made you feel. Again, it doesn't matter if you were trying to lay a guilt trip on her or not. She knows you're hurt and her guilt will follow. Even if you do find a physical cause for all this, her guilt will not just vanish. To add to all this is the fact that her self esteem has probably taken quite a blow as she has not been able to live up to her ideas of what a woman and/or a wife is supposed to be. I don't know your wife and could be way off here, but these are generally some of the things a woman would go through in a situation like yours.

To top it all off, every argument you two may have had are in there somewhere as well.

So this has been a very lengthy way of saying that if changing birth control helps the physical side of this issue, as a man you are probably capable of letting bygones be bygones while at the same time unzipping your pants with one hand and lighting a candle with the other. Unfortunately, your wife's journey back will require much support and effort on both your parts.

Finally, the past several years have been very painful for you and this needs to be dealt with as well. You'll need to find a way to completely let the resentments go or there's no chance of it all working out.

P.S. Don't hesitate to see a marriage counselor who specializes in sexual issues for couples. Remember that all marriage counselors deal with these issues; however, it doesn't mean that they are experts on the subject. Find someone who at the very least lists this specialty in their advertisements and has some additional training as well.












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Climatique, recently featured on Talk Sex With Sue, is quickly becoming quite popular as a sexual enhancement product for women.
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