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Sexual Relationships - Porn and Self Esteem Advice

Relationships  Advice

I have a huge problem with my husband watching anything that involves women ... especially porn. It is because of my low self esteem. I don't want him looking at women that look better than me. (Which I know will happen no matter what.) I know that sounds childish but I've done all I can to change it. He doesn't complain. He says he can live without it. He shouldn't have to. I've heard that porn can help a couple's sex life greatly. How can I get past this horrible feeling of inadequacy so that he won't be missing out on anything?

I love receiving emails like yours. You are obviously willing to take responsibility for your part in this problem as well as showing a definite desire to make your husband happy. From what you wrote, it also appears that your husband is willing to do what it takes to make you happy. With these attitudes you guys can find a solution to anything.

First, in regards to your feelings of inadequacy and your low self esteem, I decided when I first started offering advice to my readers that I would rather send them to another site than give a shallow, incomplete, or incorrect answer. With that, the best resource I've found for issues dealing with self esteem is at

The rest of your question can be solved if you can recognize the difference between men and women, especially as it relates to sex. To do this you must let go of any politically correct belief that men and women are the same, because we aren't.

The reason men look at women is because they are men. They are visual creatures who are stimulated by things that appeal to their eyes. Women on the other hand are emotionally stimulated. When a man watches an adult video (porn), it's similar to a woman watching a romance movie. Both of these things resemble the way each gender views sex. With a man, sex is about the external experience. With a woman, sex is about the emotional connection. When your husband watches adult videos, he is not comparing you to the girls in it, any more than you are comparing him to the lead character in the last romance movie you saw. If he told you that he felt inadequate to the men in the romance movies you like, you would probably laugh and remind him that those men aren't real and that you married him, not some fictional character from a movie. The girls in the videos he watches are no more real to him. In both cases, they are the personification of what each gender is stimulated by. This is the main reason men like porn, and romance movies are called "chick flicks."

Once you can both acknowledge these differences then you can begin to meet both your needs (and have a lot of fun along the way).

The first part of the solution is to sometimes watch some adult videos together. This is a great way for the two of you to explore your sexuality. It can provide a wealth of ideas as well as opening up many avenues of discussion. If you feel uncomfortable, just give it a little time (meaning don't just watch it once or twice and then decide that it doesn't work for you). You may never be a huge fan (although you might be surprised), but there will be moments you will enjoy if you let yourself. If you feel insecure just remember what you would think of it if he felt that way while watching Sleepless in Seattle. He may be getting turned on watching them, but it's you he wants to have sex with.

One of the biggest reasons that a lot of women don't enjoy adult videos is that it is usually made for men. It is designed to be what they want, because they make up the majority of the market. When someone does try to make an adult video for women (filled with loving relationships and romance) it is usually terrible. (You just can't expect adult video directors and porn stars to make a good "serious" video.)

What I most often recommend for women are videos by Shane's World. The entire series revolves around bringing in a half dozen real people and adult video stars to various locations for a few days and them filming their various sexual exploits. There won't be the romance I discussed earlier, but because everyone is real, there are actual human connections being made which makes the sex scenes far more interesting. These videos are produced and directed by women, which explains why many women really enjoy them. My favorite is Shane's World #33, Down for Whatever. Or just go to Game Link and search for "Shane's World" and look around.

Of course, as much fun as you will have here, you're still really just catering to your husband. In return for everything I described, your husband must also be devoting nights of romance to you. This is the give and take that will be so much fun. Flowers, dinner out, dancing, sensual massages, trips to the day spa, and an occasional card in the mail are the very least you should expect. Be sure to tell him what you want (guys can be pretty dumb when it comes to this stuff). Don't ever forget that this is all a compromise and that your needs must be met also.

Picture a Friday night of romance followed be an evening of beautiful lovemaking. Saturday can be a night of adult entertainment while having down and dirty sex. Sounds like a perfect weekend to me!

Finally, as far as his male masturbation and him watching adult videos without you, you'll be far happier once you can just roll your eyes and say "men, what are you gonna do." If you ask him to throw it away, it will just wind up in a good hiding place. Not because your husband wants to deceive you, rather it's an unfair request that he's testosteronely (my word) unable to comply with. Even he were to throw it away for real, he'll masturbate just as often at the memory of the last porn he saw, although this time with resentments, which won't help anyone's self esteem..












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