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Sexual Preference

Relationships  Advice

Abby, I am 25 years old living with my parents in Phoenix and I am questioning my sexual preference. I recently finished my four years in the US Army and I am now working for my family at their business. 

I had girlfriends all through out my teen life but was never really attracted to them. I have always had feeling towards guys but never wanted to call myself gay. In the military I had a few experiences with some guys and I liked it but got tired of the relationship as it began to form. I was so afraid of anyone finding out that I would not let it go anywhere. I now work for my family and they are pretty set on marriage and start to question me. I am completely in the closet at home and have no idea how to tell them I might be gay. Some days I want a woman and a family. Other days I want a man and whatever else comes with that. 

I am so confused and sometimes think of bad ways to end the confusion. 

I mean I love my family so much and I know they love me the same amount if not more. I come from a medium-sized family and I'm an only child which leaves just me to carry out the name. We are all pretty liberal people. I feel I should tell her but then there are those days to where I want to raise kids. 

I don't know where to turn. I am a very masculine guy and like that about myself. Due to stress I lost my hair so now I have the whole Bruce Willis thing going on. I am told I look good but I have very low self esteem. I hold my head up and carry myself very well but I think it is all a joke. As I type this right now I get myself in a panic on what I am going to do, some nights it is worse then others. I really need some direction over hear. I hope this gets to you. Thanks for reading this if it has... 

Thank you for writing during your time of need. I'm glad that you are looking for help since this is the first step to improve your situation.

I have my opinions on what I would do, but that doesn't really mean a whole lot. I have not walked in your shoes and experienced what you are going through. Even if I had, every situation of this type is a little different and there isn't going to be just one simple answer. I can offer a few thoughts though.

1. You are absolutely, 100% responsible for yourself before anyone else. Even when you have children (yes, this is very possible), you must take care of yourself first to be able to take care of them. It's great that you have a strong family that you want to carry on the family name and also great that you care about how they will feel about everything. It's great that this is important to you. However, NONE of these things are as important as you doing what is best for you. What you eventually decide is up to you, just make sure the decision is ONLY what's best for you.

2. You need to reach out to someone who's been where you are. I would strongly recommend you contact the Gay and Lesbian National Hotline at or you can phone them toll free at 888/THE-GLNH (888/843-4564). Everything would be completely confidential, but talking to someone who's been in your situation and someone who specializes in gay issues would help much more than anything else. Also, if you do decide to come out, having a supportive community will be very important.

3. As far as the "bad ways to end the confusion", this can be a common thought for those in your situation. Please keep in mind that these thoughts are often followed by a lifetime of happiness once they find the solution that works for them. The way you feel now does not mean it is the way you will feel forever. It may feel like it at the time, but it is not. Again, this is why you really need support from a community close to you. And anytime these bad thoughts enter your mind is a red flag to see a professional who can help change your perspective and fix the obstacles that do not need to ruin your life.

Good luck and let me know if there is anything else I can do for you to help out.











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