Abby, I am 25 years old living with my parents in Phoenix and I am questioning my sexual
preference. I recently finished my four years in the US Army and I am now
working for my family at their business.
I had girlfriends all through out my teen life but was never really attracted
to them. I have always had feeling towards guys but never wanted to call myself
gay. In the military I had a few experiences with some guys and I liked it but
got tired of the relationship as it began to form. I was so afraid of anyone
finding out that I would not let it go anywhere. I now work for my family and
they are pretty set on marriage and start to question me. I am completely in the
closet at home and have no idea how to tell them I might be gay. Some days I want a woman and a family. Other days I want a man and whatever
else comes with that.
I am so confused and sometimes think of bad ways to end the confusion.
I mean I love my family so much and I know they love me the same amount if
not more. I come from a medium-sized family and I'm an only child which leaves
just me to carry out the name. We are all pretty liberal people.
I feel I should tell her but then there are those days to where I want to raise
I don't know where to turn. I am a very masculine guy and like that about
myself. Due to stress I lost my hair so now I have the whole Bruce Willis thing
going on. I am told I look good but I have very low self esteem. I hold my head
up and carry myself very well but I think it is all a joke. As I type this right
now I get myself in a panic on what I am going to do, some nights it is worse
then others. I really need some direction over hear. I hope this gets to you.
Thanks for reading this if it has...
Thank you for writing during your time of need. I'm glad that you are looking
for help since this is the first step to improve your situation.
I have my opinions on what I would do, but that doesn't really
mean a whole lot. I have not walked in your shoes and experienced what you
are going through. Even if I had, every situation of this type is a little
different and there isn't going to be just one simple answer. I can offer a few
1. You are absolutely, 100% responsible for yourself
before anyone else. Even when you have children (yes, this is very possible),
you must take care of yourself first to be able to take care of them. It's great that you have a strong family that you want to carry on the
family name and also great that you care about how they will feel about
everything. It's great that this is important to you. However, NONE of these
things are as important as you doing what is best for you. What you eventually
decide is up to you, just make sure the decision is ONLY what's best for you.
2. You need to reach out to someone who's been where you are. I would
strongly recommend you contact the Gay and Lesbian National Hotline at
http://www.glnh.org or you can phone them toll
free at 888/THE-GLNH (888/843-4564). Everything would be completely confidential, but talking to someone who's been
in your situation and someone who specializes in gay issues would help much more than anything
else. Also, if you do
decide to come out, having a supportive community will be very important.
3. As far as the "bad ways to end the confusion", this can be a
common thought for those in your situation. Please keep in mind that these
thoughts are often followed by a lifetime of happiness once they find the
solution that works for them. The way you feel now does not mean it is the way
you will feel forever. It may feel like it at the time, but it is not. Again,
this is why you really need support from a community close to you. And anytime
these bad thoughts enter your mind is a red flag to see a professional who can
help change your perspective and fix the obstacles that do not need to ruin your
Good luck and let me
know if there is anything else I can do for you to help out.