Extreme sex is like paranoia and the sudden desire to buy a sports car: it’s all in your head. What is extreme for one couple is just another Thursday night quickie for another. The best definition of extreme sex, and definitely one you get to determine between you, is anything sexual in nature that adds a little dangerous fun and adrenal anticipation to the process. The definitions and boundaries of extreme sex are limitless – from watching a little porn for Mr. and Mrs. Vanilla, to full blown orgies with midgets wearing latex ballerina costumes for Mr. and Mrs. Been There Done That. The issue for curious couples, then, isn’t what you decide to do in the way of kink, but rather, but works within the context of your fantasies, your creative and moral thresholds, and in some cases, your physical and emotional limits. The moment the sex exceeds the limits of one of the participants, it moves from extreme sex to abusive sex. Or at least a nice try that went sour.

Many people harbor dirty little secrets, desires and fantasies that have been waiting for just the right moment to come out and play. One of the advantages of being in a truly intimate and safe relationship is that this is the best and most likely place to explore something from the dark side. It’s hard to ask someone you’ve just met in a bar to wear a Richard Nixon mask to bed, yet your wife might just understand, as long as you’ll occasional wear a wife beater and recite lines from Fight Club as you pound her into submission. Extreme sex is really nothing more than that old bon mot from the days of hippies and LSD – if it feels good, do it. Or even, if it hurts so good, do it. Just make sure your partner is a simpatico sickie in the process.

So what is extreme sex, specifically? Well, there are the old classics – spiked heels, seamed stockings, garter belts… the new twists – long leather gloves, exotic make-up, wigs… and the downright kinky – bondage and things that go ouch in the night. Sometimes it’s something your partner wants you to say, sometimes it’s something your partner wants you to do. It can be toys or locations or the proximity of other people. It can include various species of fruit and some kind of sauce. It doesn’t matter, you get to make the call. What does matter is that the mere fact you are going to a new, thrilling and potentially dark and dangerous place together, which creates a dynamic that results in something that can actually make your relationship more solid than ever. There is nothing quite as powerful and enduring as a dirty little secret between lovers.

No matter how much giggling is involved in the initial suggestion, the notion of engaging in extreme sex should not be taken lightly. What may seem to you to be something fun and trivial may be the dearest, most coveted desire of your lover’s life. If it happens to rub you the wrong way, either literally or metaphorically, you have three choices. First, you can reject the idea and suggest therapy. But know that when you do this, your partner has choices, too, and sometimes they’re not pretty. Rejection of the idea may, in fact, be perceived as a personal rejection and the turning of your back on the opportunity for greater intimacy. Or, you can discuss it further with an open mind in an effort to define it to a point you can accept, or at least stop laughing. Better yet, you can strap on that strap-on and happily and sincerely introduce a degree of bliss into your partner’s life, and in return you might just find yourself on the receiving end of something you’ve always wanted, too. Or even actually enjoying what at first seemed like something you’d only read about in Penthouse Forum.

Of course these are complicated choices. But regardless of what you choose, know that a sexual fantasy, not matter how casually suggested, may be bigger than both of you. You’ll go away before it will. The notion of having extreme sex isn’t just about a fun way to get off, it’s about taking your relationship to the next level of intimacy.

Or not. It may just be something you saw in a Jenna Jamison flick that looked sort of fun. The good news is that you get to decide.