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Female Masturbation


I intended to write two separate articles, one on female masturbation, the other on the orgasm. I quickly found that the two were so intertwined with one another that there was no way to discuss each one independently. The primary reason for masturbation is to achieve orgasm, and the best way to learn to orgasm is through masturbation. Of course there are women who first experience orgasm with a partner and others who enjoy pleasing themselves without orgasm, but those women are in the minority. For most of us, learning to orgasm starts with self loving and self loving ends in orgasm. What follows is a road map to the city of O.

Orgasms

Even though the orgasm typically comes last, I'm discussing it first because this is really what it's all about. Sure you don't "need" to orgasm for female masturbation to feel good or enjoy a sexual experience, but they sure are much better when you have them. I've talked to non-orgasmic women who downplayed the whole concept of orgasms. It seems that they were "totally satisfied" without them. It's funny to note though, that of all the women who were orgasmic and lost the ability (because of antidepressants, menopause, bad relationships, etc.) not one has ever told me she was still satisfied. It seems that the only reason the non-orgasmic women were okay with it is that they simply didn't know what they were missing.

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I receive email nearly every day from women who ask, "How do I know if I've had an orgasm?" My answer is always "If you don't know if you've had an orgasm, then you probably haven't." I hate that answer, but it's the only accurate response I've ever heard to that question. Simply put, orgasms are rarely something that slips by you when you aren't looking. When you have them, you (and sometimes the neighbors) know it.

The most common email I receive though is, "How do I have an orgasm?" I always wish that I could answer this with one simple trick, method, or masturbation technique. Unfortunately it's rarely that simple. Achieving orgasm is a combination of everything you are about to read. Learning to orgasm the first time during sex with a partner is a lot more challenging than Hollywood and romance novels have led us to believe. The truth is, it's a process that begins with you alone.

Masturbation and Your Body

One of the most important aspects of female masturbation is that it gives you a chance to learn your body. Once you learn it, you will not only be able to give yourself pleasure, you will also be able to teach someone else how to please you as well.

Every area of your body is a potential pleasure zone, but in order to figure out where, you must explore yourself with an open mind and without shame. Every woman's body is beautiful, so don't fixate on those places you want to change. Save that for another day (or better yet, never again). On this day it's all about making yourself feel pleasure, so only think about the good stuff.

Start by grabbing a mirror and a good source of light and examining all those places you may have avoided until now. This is one of the first ways we can remove some of those silly inhibitions that that are often placed on your sexuality. Your vagina and anus are a natural part of the female anatomy and once you recognize this you can begin to allow yourself the pleasure that they can give you. Familiarity becomes pleasure-ability. Betty Dodson, Ph.D. tells the story of a couple coming into her office with sexual difficulties in their relationship. One of the first things she did was to get out a mirror and encourage both of them to check out the female patient's vagina. Both of them explained that neither of them had ever actually looked at it before. My guess is that ignorance to something as basic as this was likely at the root of their problem.

Clitoral Stimulation

The clitoris is "the spot" that is the major pleasure center in most women. In fact, the majority of women need stimulation of this area in order to orgasm at all. That's because the clitoris is physiologically similar to the penis. When you get aroused, the area engorges with blood and begins to swell. The difference in the size of the clitoris before and after arousal varies between "not noticeable" and "wow, look at that." However, the amount that your clitoris swells is not related how much pleasure you can receive or how easily you achieve orgasm. Like the penis of a man, the size does not relate to its ability to function.

You can stimulate your clitoris with anything that feels good. Fingers and vibrators are the most frequent choices, although there are nearly as many female masturbation techniques as there are women. One of the great tips is to start someplace other than your clitoris. There are lots of other places that will cause pleasure and get you in the mood. Once you do get there, play with different speeds, pressures, directions, and so on. There is no "right way" to stimulate your clitoris; you'll just have to experiment and see what works best for you. Once you find something that feels good, keep doing it. When it begins to feel less good, try something else.

Vibrators, Masturbation and Orgasm

For many women, vibrators are the easiest way to achieve orgasm. For others it's the only way it happens. This is because a vibrator creates a near sensory overload into the nerve endings wherever you use it. In your clitoris, there are lots of nerve endings in a very small area. When it swells it even becomes more sensitive. In fact, one of the best tricks with vibrators is to not start on the clitoris. Rather you should start somewhere else and work your way up to it. Another fun technique is to cover your clitoris with a few layers, sheets, or clothing and begin there. When you really need something more, remove one of the layers. Don't forget the journey just because the destination is in sight!

There are a number of different styles and categories of vibrators. They are each made slightly different to specifically target different areas. Most are made for either your clitoris or penetration, but there are many designed for your g-spot or anus as well. If you've never owned one before you certainly don't need to buy more than one at first, but having variety, especially during female masturbation, is a lot more fun.

If you've never owned a vibrator before, a good place to start would be the Pocket Rocket or if you're on a budget, the Slimline. The most popular vibrator in the world (at least it was after HBO's Sex and the City worked an entire storyline around it) is the Rabbit. The vibrator that never fails for most any woman I've met is the Magic Wand.

Masturbation and Penetration

Even though the clitoris is the most common source of orgasms for most women, penetration during female masturbation should not be overlooked. First off, there are women who do in fact orgasm from penetration alone and plenty more who enjoy penetration as either a warm up to and/or in conjunction with clitoral play.

Before beginning, make sure you are well lubricated either naturally or with the help of an artificial lubricant. Make sure that you whatever you are putting inside of you is clean. Start slow. Your vagina can accept nearly anything but you must take your time getting there. Once in, the key is to experiment. Play with different angles, speeds, and pressures. Experiment as well with different items of interest such as fingers, dildos, or anything else you can think of that looks fun. Female masturbation is all about figuring out what you like and never about only doing what you're supposed to.

One of the greatest benefits of experimenting with penetration is that you can locate and learn the pleasures that come from stimulating your g-spot. Finding your g-spot is best accomplished with your fingers as a change of texture will be one of your indicators. Reach between your legs and place two fingers into your vagina and push them most of the way in. Then, without moving your hand (it should remain with your palm pressed over the opening of your vagina and your clitoris), begin to curl your fingers in back towards your hand. While doing this apply pressure to the upper wall of your vagina (the part closest to your stomach) and pull your fingers in until they reach the inside of your pubic bone. The area you just rubbed is where your g-spot will be found.

The two indicators that you are in the right place are a feeling of having to urinate as well as a unique texture change. The feeling of having to urinate comes about because the area you're stimulating is the urethral sponge, which is directly beneath your bladder. This feeling will pass and can be ignored. The change in texture comes from the swelling of the sponge and will engorge in various degrees depending on the person. As it swells the texture will begin to feel rougher and bumpy in some women, larger in others, a combination of both in some, and not at all in on the rest. Everyone's built different so there's no "correct" way that your g-spot is supposed to be. In addition, some women will ejaculate from stimulation of the g-spot, others will enjoy it without ejaculating from it, and the rest of the women won't enjoy it at all. There are no rules as to what you "should" enjoy, just experiment and figure it out for yourself.

Other Sex Toys and Online Shopping

Of course dildos and vibrators aren't the only sex toys you can masturbate with. There's everything you can imagine from nipple clamps to shower massagers. Once again, experimentation is the key to everything. There's no way to predict which sex toy might turn out to be the one you keep in your nightstand.

You can find sex toys at any adult book store or you can shop online. Personally, I like shopping online because the prices are lower, there's more selection, and of course, I can make all my purchases in complete privacy. However, the advantages to shopping in person are that you can see up close anything you are planning on buying as well as being able to use it right away. If you are planning on shopping online, check out my sex toy review page as well as my store review pages. Although this will give you a head start in choosing what and where you buy, be sure to leave your mind open to anything you see. If something looks fun then it probably will be!

No matter what you use, don't overlook the benefits of lube. Even if your vagina gets plenty wet for penetration, this won't offer much help for massaging your clitoris, anus, nipples, and so on. Saliva can be a quick fix, but it doesn't last anywhere near long enough for really good play time. Why lick your fingers a dozen times when you can just apply a few drops of baby oil or ID Personal Lubricant?

For sex toys, check out Game Link if you are interested in shopping online. They've been around for over 10 years and they've always shipped my orders discretely and on time. Also, they are such a large company that they have very good prices on nearly everything. They also do a great job of catering to the female market as their site feels more like a nice lingerie store than a porn shop.

Masturbation and Fingers

Of course in this day and age with thousand of sex toys on the market, it's possible to overlook the most versatile masturbation product there is: your fingers. Even though strong vibrations or deep penetration might feel the best or give the most orgasms, it is with your fingers that you will really learn yourself.

When exploring yourself, especially your vagina, take the time to really learn where the pleasure zones exist and how they like to be stimulated. Apply different pressures, speeds, patterns, and so on, and see what works best. Also, try all of those things in different sex positions as this can make a difference in what feels good where.

What's the best finger to use? All of them are good. Don't limit yourself to the same two fingers or even the same hand. It's all going to feel a little different, and once again, the more you experiment, the more you will find that you like.

Even if you are using a sex toy, you probably have a free hand, so use it. Fingers inside your vagina massaging your g-spot will intensify the clitoral orgasm that you vibrator is giving you. You can also play with your anus, nipples, stomach, or anywhere else that feels good. One day try oiling up and massaging a part of your body with your free hand. On another day, pinch, pull, or scratch that same area during your orgasm and see which you like better (you may be surprised!).

Fantasy

A rich fantasy life is often at the core of a woman's ability to achieve orgasm. This is very evident during female masturbation because there isn't another person there to connect with, so fantasy becomes the key. Unfortunately, women are often afraid of their fantasies. Some feel "dirty" because of what turns them on, others are freaked out by what their minds are capable of, and even more don't think it's okay to fantasize about those things we wouldn't want to do in real life. All these fears will get in the way of a woman's ability to achieve orgasm because women need emotional stimulation to truly achieve sexual pleasure, and if they don't allow their thoughts to journey to the places that turn them on, it just can't happen.

The truth is, that there's no such thing as a "wrong" fantasy during female masturbation. If it turns you on, let yourself go there. Sexual fantasy doesn't have to have any basis in reality. You can fantasize about being dominated by a man and still be a feminist. Pretending that your dildo is your husband's best friend doesn't have to lead to infidelity. Being turned on at the thought of being raped doesn't mean that you believe the actual behavior is acceptable. Fantasizing about another woman doesn't mean you're gay. You get the idea. For more ideas, read my article on the fifteen most popular female masturbation fantasies.

Adult Videos

Women are stimulated emotionally and men are turned on visually. This is why a lot of the adult videos don't do all that much for women. They really aren't designed to because they are made for men. Because of this, many women have the mistaken belief that adult videos and printed erotica aren't for them. The truth is that there is adult videos that can be a blast during female masturbation and lead to lots of powerful orgasms, you just have to look a little harder (and be a little pickier than men) to find them.

There's at least one series that women can also really enjoy. It's called "Shane's World" and directed by a woman named Shane who understands how to make adult videos for men as well as women. She does this by eliminating the traditional story lines that exist in most adult videos. She replaces them with a style that lets you get to know the performers as real people who also happen to be adult video performers. You get to see how these people interact during—as well as in between—scenes. (There's no bad music during the sex scenes so you can actually observe how they really have sex.) Because of all this, you get to actually feel the connection that is happening. This opportunity to see, and in a little way experience, the connection they feel is what can really be appealing to women.

If you're looking for a place to start, check out Shane's World - Down for Adventure, Shane's World - Tropical Paradise , or, if you're in the mood to watch women only, Shane's World - Slumber Party .

If you are interested in "traditional" adult videos with story lines that are more appealing to women, try Candida Royalle Femme Productions. This is another series produced by and for women. They are a little less graphic than traditional adult videos (lacking the "money shot" for example), and are aimed at the more timid of adult video newbies.

If you are looking for just down and dirty, hard core, gonzo porn, you should check out videos by Seymore Butts. His adult videos are directed towards a male audience, but the women are always in control during the scenes. It's clear that they are doing exactly what they want to be doing, no more, no less. If you've never seen his videos, be prepared to be shocked a bit at the intensity of the scenes. You can start with Tushy Girls Live, but everything he's done is good if you enjoy his style.

Masturbation and Other Erotic Sources

Seek out erotic inspiration. Use anything you find sexy or arousing. It can be a trashy romance novel, an Ann Rice epic, letters to the editor in your boyfriend's Penthouse magazine, a Russell Crowe movie, the train scene from Risky Business, Sleepless in Seattle, a Nine Inch Nails or Barry White CD, or an adult website. It doesn't matter what it is, if it turns you on then use it. Remember, nobody's watching.

If you're looking for a place to start, the following are a list of erotic novels that you may enjoy (I did):

  • My Secret Garden – Dozen of erotic and kinky fantasies provided by real women.
  • The Marketplace – An excellent tale of bondage/BDSM.
  • Naughty Stories A-Z – A bunch of short stories from renowned erotic authors.

    Masturbation With a Partner

    Yes, it's still masturbation if there's someone there with you. The most popular method is almost an extension of foreplay where you begin by warming up with your partner as usual. However, instead of following the foreplay with your normal sexual adventures, you continue the foreplay while pleasing yourselves. As fun as this can be, don't forget that there are several other ways you can also masturbate with a partner.

    One way is to share in the erotica. You can put on an adult video, read an erotic novel out loud, or share your fantasies aloud with each other and both masturbate to the experience. Another is to both focus on the other person and be aroused by them being turned on focusing on you. Just make yourselves comfortable and really enjoy the experience of seeing your partner pleasing themselves.

    What's really fun though is to become a masturbation voyeur or exhibitionist. To be the voyeur, grab a comfortable seat and have your partner come into the room just as if you weren't even home and see what he does when he's by himself. Don't even think about touching yourself before he's done. Your job is to stay quiet and see how much you can learn about what turns him on and what he really likes. As soon as he's done though, you are free to attack. To be the exhibitionist, just switch roles. Pretend he isn't there and just do what you like to do. If you want to really drive him wild, break out a sex toy he has never seen. Also, be sure to take your time here. Most men want to get to business so quickly that it will practically kill him if you spend an hour or more just relaxing and getting in the mood. (Plus it will remind him that with foreplay, more is better than less.)

    Masturbation and Reasons not to Masturbate

    There aren't any.

    Female Masturbation and Reasons You Can't Orgasm

    There are a number of causes that can make it difficult for you to orgasm during female masturbation. Lucky for you that most of them you can overcome simply through experimentation and getting to know yourself. There are a few circumstances though that may require outside help.

    The most common physical cause of an inability to orgasm is the use of certain types of medications, especially antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications (these can also play havoc on you desire as well). The good news is that in the vast majority of cases you can substitute one type for another that doesn't affect you in this way. Your doctor encounters patients whose prescription medications have messed them up sexually every day so it's nothing to be embarrassed about. In fact, inability to orgasm and lack of desire are the most common causes of patients switching from Paxil(tm) to Celexa(tm). Every person is different so you'll have to work closely with your doctor until you find the correct medication and dosage. If you can't orgasm and you are on one of these medications, this is the first thing you should explore as the possible reason.

    The other common cause is that you have issues with past abuse, poor body image, or any other emotional injury that distracts you from going to a sexual place in your mind. In these extreme cases you're best off seeing a professional counselor or someone equipped to dig deep and see what's really going on. As with the medication problems, this is something that can be overcome with time and hard work. Be sure to see someone who is experienced in sexual matters. They will almost certainly acknowledge the underlying cause of your inability to orgasm ad point you in a direction of a specialist if necessary.

    Final Masturbation Tips

    Take deep breaths throughout the session to help increase blood flow to genitals. It's likely when you orgasm you won't be thinking about your breathing anymore, but if you remember, try expreimenting by breathing quick and shallow, slow and deep, or even hold your breath to find what you enjoy most.

    Experiment with satisfying all of your senses. Discover what turns you on, whether it's wearing clothes that make you look and/or feel sexy, using a scented candle to set the mood, or putting on music that helps you relax and enjoy the moment. Although most people may not experiment with taste, adding a favorite dessert such as whipped cream, cake frosting, chocolate, or fruit can add an extra element of pleasure.

    Strengthen your PC (Pubococcygeus) muscles. These are muscles that form a figure eight around your vagina and anus and are responsible for (among other things) holding back urine flow. To strengthen them, simply tighten them up (like you are trying not to urinate) for ten seconds and then release for ten seconds. Do this 5 -10 times a day. One easy way to remember is to associate it with some activity you do every day, such as the first time you get in the car each morning. Nobody knows that you're doing it so you so you can really do them anywhere. Be sure that you're not just squeezing your butt cheeks together as this is another muscle alltogether. The stronger your PC muscles become, the stronger your orgasms will be ... no matter who causes them.

    If you're still not convinced that female masturbation is something you should be doing, I suggest trying it for at least 10-20 years and if you still don't like it you can always quit.

    Now go treat yourself to some real masturbation fun!
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